.if it walks like a duck, it might be a quack.

Now....I'm sure that there are some very wonderful, competent doctors out in this big old world that we have.  I have 5 doctors:  my GP, my Endocrinologist, my Rheumatologist, my Opthamologist and my Gastroenterologist.  I like them all.  They're very nice.  But I would only label one of them as competent.  (i know you're wondering which one, but that wouldn't be very professional of me now would it??)  I mean the others are good; I guess.  They haven't let me die yet.  But sometimes, well....I just don't know.  I know you have a tough time now days with HMO's and malpractice insurance and now Obamacare.  Practicing medicine isn't what it used to be.  But you take an oath.  If you don't mean it, don't take it.  If you meant it once, but now are just overwhelmed, move on.  Don't make your patients pay the price for something we have no control over.

I saw one of my doctor's today and it was like he didn't even read my chart.  And at every office visit, you have to complete a questionnaire with 100 different symptoms on them and indicate which ones you're having issues with.  Why?  I have no idea!!  Because he didn't ask me about any of the ones I checked!  

In 2003 I began having major medical issues.  Over the course of a couple months, I lost the use of both my legs and was in a wheelchair for several months; then I almost lost my sight.  I went to specialist after specialist; I went to Duke.  I had every test done that you can imagine for over a year.  I was poked and prodded and had x-rays and this medicine and that medicine.  Finally I said, enough!!!  Not one of the doctors I saw could tell me what was wrong.  They ALL agreed something was seriously wrong with my autoimmune system, but they didn't know what.  It was a horrible time.  Eventually I was able to walk again and my eyes got better, but my body was never the same.  Something had attacked me big time.  Something I'm afraid is still in there.

But then, as now, I would talk to the doctors and tell them what I was going through; my symptoms; how it was affecting my life.  It was as if they weren't even listening.  My husband would go with me and he would tell them.  It was always the same thing..... "We just don't know".  I began to feel like I was going crazy.  Was all this just in my head?  But my husband, our children, my co-workers had seen the physical manifestations of what was happening to my body.  It was real alright.  But through it all, I don't believe one doctor really HEARD me or SAW me.  I was just blood work or x-rays or MRI's or nuclear bone scans.  It was so frustrating.  So I quit.  Along with my husband we made the decision to stop trying to find an answer.  It was taking too much of an emotional toll on an already physically debilitated body.  So I just took pain medicine and learned to live with it.

This past September I got sick again.  This time with my digestive system.  Again and again I went to the doctor and again and again they just blew me off.  Finally after 2 months I convinced them to dig just a little deeper.  Well low and behold they discovered Chron's disease and Celiac disease.  Imagine that!  So my husband and I immediately turned our home into a gluten free zone; began a gluten free lifestyle and I started on steroids and anti-inflammatory medicines.  "You should be feeling better in about 2 weeks" is what I was told.

Now, 2 months later, I'm still sick.  I still feel awful.  Some days worse than I did before my diagnosis.  My symptoms haven't improved and some have been added.  But when I talk to the doctor, when I answer that questionnaire, it's like he doesn't even hear me.  It's as if he doesn't care about how I truly feel; he cares about how I SHOULD feel at this point.

Well here's a hint doc, I ain't your average patient!!  My body is a fucking mess!  I told you that from the beginning; I showed you the 3 inch binder I keep that holds my medical history; I told you I'm a tough cookie to figure out and you assured me it would be okay.  YOU LIED!  

Not in the sense that it's 2 months later and I'm not "cured".  I didn't expect that would happen.  But in the sense that you're not seeing ME, the patient.  You're not even reading my chart to remember what happened at our visit less than a month ago.  You're just pushing me through the office, giving me a prescription and sending me on my way.

Here's some news for you......I can't do that again.  I know it in no way compares to what others go through, but today, when I left your office, I felt like I was suffering from PTSD.  I felt all those emotions from 2003 come back; I saw myself going down the same road of test after test, being told they can't find anything, that I should be better and then just being left to feel like I'm crazy.  I guess what I should say is I WON'T do that again.  I just won't.

So we'll play your game for the next 7 days and if you can't give me some answers, we're done.  I don't expect a cure, but as I told you today, I do expect to be heard.  I do expect you to know about me and my body and why I'm in your office.  Because in case you forgot, YOU work for ME!  I hired you; I pay you and I won't hesitate to fire you.

To the wonderful doctors out there who truly SEE their patients, God bless you!  You have no idea how much it means to us.  To my one doctor who truly SEES me, I wish you could treat me for everything.

There's just too many ducks out there quacking!